..changes

...I cannot help but miss him.. it hurts because he is the one that cut the relationship..it hurts because i cannot help the way my heart feels about him..yet he cannot help how his heart feels about me...that is nothing now....he told me to my face he does not love me ..but i keep thinking...that cannot be true...of if so it was never love he felt in the first place...there had to be something else ...i think he just needs some space...at least i hope he does...& i hope he will come back to me..i won't count on that....it's hard...i miss him....i got my mind off him for awhile being back at school & in the flow of my school work & friends again..but then again i get asked a lot of questions about it like why did i break up with him.. yet...i did not he did.......I just tell people that it's not there place ..because ..honestly i don't open up to strangers ...& they are like strangers i just see them in school does not mean they are my best friends..my classroom friends & some others yes but not people in grade 7 who are only talking to me because of that and they want to hear more gossip ! Sunday morning ( the day after he broke up with me ) i got barely any sleep the night after Monday i woke up at 4:15 am and could not stop thinking about him....and everything.. Monday is when the pain started to go away and i felt fine Tuesday even better & Paola slept over & i kept my mind busy & off Arno and ..everything....( Wednesday ) Today..i broke down....on the bus from iceland ( ice skating class trip today..it was fun..but.....that...) thanks to paola i had someone to hold me while i cried ..i know i need to let go..and i understand that..but i love him & ..i won't make a major scene when i see him at Lilys birthday this Sunday...but....I am very hurt...and i understand we are just friends now but i still love him...
i am very worried about seeing him on Sunday...i hope i don't lose my cool & break down crying......I feel not ready to see him ...he will be fine & all happy while i am trying with all my might to keep cool & not cry....//////****
:( ...meh....:( he was my everything...it's hard getting over this i know i have a lot..i am way stronger then i was Saturday.. i did not understand why he broke up with me...but he needs space & he said he does not love me...i think he cares about me still..love does not just go away that quickly but..he needs space to think & reflect ..
I cried mainly today because i miss him...i miss being around him...i am so used to it.....being without him ....it is going to take adjusting to but day by day i think i am getting better..then something like this happens & i break down and cry in front of my whole damn class....:(
*sigh* Lily just note i am worried about Sunday & i am sorry if anything happens & please take account into hand i DON'T want to cry in front of him..or anyone...but i cannot promise anything....but i don't want to not come because i am exited about seeing everyone...& after all Arno & I are "friends" now...